meet me or not, i'm out of control
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
