just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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