What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
