you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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