I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
