My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
