just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
