Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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