Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
