Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
