I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
