the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
