I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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