I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
