i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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