Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
