dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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