he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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