at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
