I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
