It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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