My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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