My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
