I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
