i would punch a child for taco bell
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
