Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
