what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
