So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
