I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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