Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
