she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
