he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Still dying that you shit outside
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize