Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
