He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
