there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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