the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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