Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
