I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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