You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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