yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
