Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize