dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
