Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
How does one acquire holy water?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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