Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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