Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
