After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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