I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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