She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
