One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
