Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
