What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Actions speak louder than pants.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
