I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
