Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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