It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize