I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
