Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
