I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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